(9 min read)
When our early hominid ancestors evolved, the stress response dealt brilliantly with situations related to survival – the fact that we’re here today is testament to that.
Seeing a snake slowly slide over your toddler’s leg whilst they’re sleeping is something our stone-age ancestors were unlikely to forget; and therefore learned to avoid in the future. The ability to react rapidly to a predator, to fight or cross a river was enabled and enhanced by adrenaline and cortisol. But our modern world is out of sync with the one we evolved in.
When your child sits down in Chemistry and the teacher asks for that piece of homework they haven’t done, the sinking dread is the same survival-promoting stress response our distant ancestors felt. When you realise you’ve accidentally sent a sensitive email to the very person you shouldn’t, it’s the same.
We are now bombarded with stressful triggers almost continually: the school run happens five times a week. Homework has to be done daily. We receive emails, drive in traffic, deal with tantrums and sibling arguments, go to the supermarket, keep up with social media and maintain the after-school schedule day after day, week after week.
We did not evolve to live in a state of near-constant stress.
Is childhood fast turning into an apprenticeship for stressful adult life? Isn’t teaching children how to deal with stress one of the most important things we should be doing?
Most schools have taken this on board to some degree. Those that do it well improve not only their pupils’ wellbeing, but also their learning. But there’s lots you can do at home, to give them the skills to see them through school and well beyond.
Top tips to help your child:
- Focus on last time/next time. Rather than reassuring them that they’ll “be fine, don’t worry”, instead get them to tell you how they coped in a similar situation. What worked? Afterwards, ask them if their worry came true, and if they coped. What will they do next time? This gives them tools and confidence to handle themselves in the future.
- Don’t avoid stressful situations. This only maintains the anxiety. When we face our fears, the body will naturally calm down within 20-45 minutes. If they face up to their fears, and see that nothing bad happens, their fear levels will start to drop.
- Rehabilitate failure. Embrace slip-ups and errors as learning points. “Mistakes are how we learn” is a great mantra for removing fear from failure. It’s ok to be imperfect.
- Focus on the positives. It’s estimated 80% of our thoughts are negative. Disrupt this by forcing children to think about all the positives in a situation – their attributes, the skills they’ll learn by doing something challenging. Try to make positivity a habit.
- Set aside time for relaxing activities. If you can schedule in time for play for the sake of fun, such as a playing a board game, video game, drawing, being silly or reading as a family each evening, you give them time to let of steam. Filling their minds with something fun and low stakes helps children feel happy and secure.
- Reward brave behaviours. When your child is worried about the negative consequences of a situation, you can incentivise them to have a go with the promise of a reward. Even if it’s only a small treat, or praise, it all helps to build positive attitudes.
- Establish regular sleep patterns. Lead up to bedtime with a calming routine, like reading a book or playing a game. Keep bedtime regular – and try to stick to it on weekends.
- Encourage them to talk about worries. Provide them with regular opportunities to talk quietly to you, like at bedtime. Shutting a child down with “Oh you’re fine! Don’t be silly!” tells them you don’t listen or understand. Instead ask them what’s worrying them and talk about it.
- Teach your child how to problem solve. Don’t tell them what to do: teach them to identify solutions or come up with options. If they’re too young, come up with some options and ask them to choose the best one.
- Stay calm. (How patronising – I apologise). Rather, the more often your children see you freaking out, the more likely it is that they will use that as a model when they face the same situation. I find school run particularly stressful. I’ve asked my eldest to tell me to “take three breaths” if I start getting harassed. I try not to retort, but to hold her hands and do three breaths together. (Still some room for improvement…)
- Practice mindfulness together. There are some brilliant apps that guide you through child-friendly meditations. My son finds these inherently pleasurable, whether or not he is stressed. As part of our not-for-profit schools’ programme, the majority of teachers took up mindfulness – and not one dropped it. A learning support teacher told me “the wildness, it’s gone”. One school found it so effective they played calming music down the corridors at lesson changeover time. The effect was profound. (I will be writing specifically about Mindfulness in another article).
- Don’t give up! The source of stress can change over time, so whilst it might feel like you’re constantly firefighting, have faith that you’re building a repertoire of constructive tools that will serve your children throughout life.
And finally, try to model the behaviours you teach your children. If you find yourself freaking out over lost kit, making the dentist on time, or the fact that the muddy dog has just climbed all over the sofa, then try verbalising it as calmly as possible- your children might surprise you with some helpful tips…
Clearly, unless we live in a war zone, most of our modern-day triggers are not actually life-threatening. Allowing our amygdalae to respond to these situations as if they were, harms our ability to learn and perform. Learning to recognise stress for what it is – a signal generated by your brain – makes it easier to control both our perceptions and responses.
If we can learn these skills alongside our children, life will be a lot more pleasant. For us all.
Please do share any tips you have for dealing with stress at home – I for one would dearly love to hear about them! What do you do if one of your children is suddenly very anxious? How did you turn a situation around? Contact me at hello@drtorrancejenkins.co.uk. I’d like to hear from you!
Post script.
For a few months, I did some teacher training in South East Asia. My husband and I worked in two different secondary schools. The children’s behaviour (and uniform) was immaculate: they were quiet, they sat in rows, boys on one side and girls on the other. But they wouldn’t speak up or participate in role-play; they wouldn’t respond to questioning. It was hard to draw them out. It took a long time for them to learn new vocabulary.
A few weeks in, one boy took some gold star stickers from my bag, twice, despite being asked not to. I mentioned it to the teacher in passing, and the boy didn’t come into school the next day. That evening, it transpired, the deputy head had visited the boy at home, and in front of his parents had hit his hand. Standard and normal disciplinary procedure – but I was (and still am) mortified.
Yes, the children’s behaviour was immaculate in classes, but it was because there were negative consequences to doing otherwise. A fear of being punished kept them in their seats. Looking back, wonder if fear had a negative impact on how they learned.